Buffering
I don’t usually write personal lifestyle-esque blog posts on here but I feel like right now I need to. I could disguise this as a piece of fiction but I don't think I can. What I'm experiencing is affecting my every day and I’m not reading as much as I would like to. This is because I’m buffering.
Buffering is how I like to talk about my struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s the feeling of having to stop whilst everyone else moves forward. Imagine watching a youtube video with a friend and their’s continues to move on whilst yours stops loading for a few seconds so you’re constantly behind. That’s what I’ve always felt my depression to be like.
I’ve been medicated since August 2015, so not very long in the grand scheme of things. I know people who have been on tablets for way longer than I have but this for me was a struggle in itself. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. I just thought I was in a dark patch that was due to hormones and it would pass. This was what happened to every teenager right? Everyone’s stressed and down at times and it just passes?
Well, I took some time to really research what I was experiencing and discovered, thanks to the NHS online test, that I could be diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety. When I went to the doctors that was what it was and I was offered counselling or tablets. At the time I felt so much stigma attached to my depression that I couldn’t face counselling, so took the tablet option instead and that’s where I’ve been ever since.
There have been two occasions where I’ve stopped taking my tablets at university. The first I forgot to renew my prescription due to exams and my christmas holiday. The second has been in the last few weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse about the best time of my life.
I’ve recently got a new boyfriend, been to an anime and comic book convention and even been told that I’ll be having two of my original poems published in an anthology by my university, yet everything feels like I’m buffering still. Not taking my tablets has not helped. Any doctor you talk to about mental health medications will tell you that you shouldn’t stop taking them without discussing it with your doctor first, yet I’m prone to forgetfulness. However what hit me today was that I’m sick of seeing things in black and white; I want to see the world in technicolour. Much like Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz, I want to leave this hurricane and step into a bright new world of opportunity where I can make friends again and enjoy life.
I just want people to know that mental health issues are not something to be shy about. If you’re not happy, go and speak to a professional. They will be able to help you to come to terms with the issues that you may be going through, or the effects you may be feeling on your body. They may not be severe to begin with but they are better to be treated early than left to manifest. Linked below are some really good websites for mental health issues that you might want to investigate.
Mind: For Better Mental Health
SANE: Together We Can #StopStigma
YoungMinds: The Voice for Young People’s Mental Health and Wellbeing
Blurt: Increasing Awareness and Understanding of Depression
And there is also this wonderful list of websites and phone numbers produced by the NHS
Please remember that you’re alive in this world for a reason. You are incredibly special. You are loved. And you’re never alone. You do not have to suffer in silence.
0 comments :